Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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