she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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