enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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