he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize