My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We are all done wearing pants today
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