life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
