i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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