what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
