dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
