mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
