If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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