i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
