So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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