This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
