Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
