i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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