The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
