Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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