Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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