unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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