So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
