I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
