We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
