On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
