i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize