you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
