Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
