we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
