Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
