Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
