Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
