Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
