So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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