i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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