Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
