Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
