If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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