You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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