Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
