Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We need to get me chipped asap
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
