I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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