I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
