Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
