I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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