They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
