Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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