literally had 100 drinks last night.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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