Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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