Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
