Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
