oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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