thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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