I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize