I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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