John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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