By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
