I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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