And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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