My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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