As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
