i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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