ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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